So I'm here again trying to put the pieces of my puzzle together, trying to make sense of things but I can't seem to achieve any clarity. I've been slowly drifting into this old pattern where things don't make much sense and nothing seems to fulfill me. Inexplicably I've lost my motivation, my crazy drive and impulsive tendencies, so I look for anything that can make me feel in control of my life and will help me gain that back. Unfortunately it hasn't been that easy and I haven't been very successful.
In the past few months I've been down, moody and incredibly sad, even though there are many things in my life that are wonderful and positive. A lot of things have changed, a lot of them randomly and unexpectedly, some for the better and some I'm still trying to make sense out of. I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and I'm not really sure what it is, sometimes I think that time is passing by way too quickly and I can't catch up so everything that's left undone feels like a burden. I strive to make sure that these feelings don't slow me down even more, and that no matter what I keep on moving forward, but that burden is getting heavier. Despite my constant effort to move, I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm simply stuck, not being able to achieve my goals.
I dream a lot and all my plans are clear in my head and I work really hard to accomplish them but then random obstacles that I can't control change the course of things, and I go back to point A. All of these things have been making me think a lot, and re-evaluate a lot of my decisions and even some of my dreams. Perhaps I'm not that realistic and this is the price one pays for dreaming too much?
I'm disappointed in me because I've put too much pressure on myself but haven't quite gotten the results that I've been expecting for the longest time. I feel empty even though I have a lot. I have love, a roof over my head and dinner every night, but something's missing. I miss my passion. I miss my motivation. I miss feeling in control. I miss feeling like I'm getting things done. I miss feeling successful. I miss being satisfied with my life. I just feel lost.
